Does the word “gratitude” make you throw up in your mouth a little?

If so, you’re not alone. For a lot of people – maybe especially neurodivergent folks – the concept of gratitude feels… off (..or nauseating..). It’s often presented in a way that’s either painfully out of touch or completely inaccessible.

You know the type: the pastel-colored, soft-focus version of gratitude that feels like it belongs to a 1950s housewife who lives in a bubble of privilege and tells everyone to “just be grateful.” Or the self-help book version that insists you must not only list things you’re grateful for but also really feel it deep in your soul. With or without the candles, the waft of incense and rose-petals. The kind of gratitude that smells like a wellness retreat.

But what if you don’t feel it? What if emotions don’t just show up on command? What if your brain simply doesn’t work that way? And what if incense is just too overwhelming for you?

The Problem With “Just Feel It” Gratitude

For people with alexithymia (difficulty identifying emotions), the idea of “feeling gratitude” is frustrating at best and completely inaccessible at worst. If you struggle to recognize emotions when they happen, how are you supposed to cultivate a warm, fuzzy sense of appreciation on demand?

Gratitude, as it’s often taught, assumes that emotions are like faucets—you just turn them on and out they flow. But for many people, emotions are more like cats: they show up when they feel like it, and they will not be herded.

Why Gratitude Still Matters (Even If It Feels Gross)

Here’s the thing: practicing gratitude does have benefits. Not because it magically changes your life overnight, but because it subtly shifts how your brain filters reality. It’s less about feeling something and more about training your focus—and that’s something that doesn’t require emotional access. It’s not like there’s some god withholding your well-earned rewards until you’ve shed the proper amount of grateful tears. It just requires a different approach.

How to Practice Gratitude If You Don’t “Feel” It

• Logical Gratitude – Instead of trying to “feel” thankful, simply list things that are objectively improving your life (e.g., “I have indoor plumbing. Yay!”)
• Data-Based Gratitude – Track small things that make a difference, even if they seem insignificant (e.g., “I had coffee today. That was good.”)
• Reverse Gratitude – Instead of forcing “I’m grateful for…”, think “What would be worse if I didn’t have this?”(e.g., “Not having a blanket would suck.”)
• Gratitude as a Mental Exercise – Treat it like a thought experiment, not an emotional state. You don’t have to feel grateful—you just have to notice things that aren’t terrible.

Final Thoughts: Gratitude Without the Fluff

I actually have a gratitude practise now – when I remember to do it, of course. Does that mean the word doesn’t make me retch anymore? Nope. Am I now occassionally overwhelmed by deep feelings of gratitude? Definitely not. But I do realise on a very conscious and rational level, that I have every reason to be grateful, and that has created a massive shift in my experience of reality. 

Gratitude doesn’t have to be warm and fuzzy—it can just be useful. If traditional gratitude advice makes you want to throw your journal into a fire, try reframing it as a focus-shifting tool rather than an emotional experience.

Because even if you never feel gratitude the way self-help books want you to, you can still benefit from seeing what’s not awful. And that? That’s good enough.